Gout, the Disease of Kings, and how to avoid it.
I have gout. It's a disease usually associated with lords and kings, not working class guys like me. Who knows, maybe I’m secretly royalty? No chance, I’m too trashy and definitely not inbred. The image for the post really really captures what it’s like. It's a cartoon called, “The Gout.” James Gilray, 1799, that is spot on. It really feels like some evil creature biting into your foot, but for no good reason.
It is by health that money is procured; but thousands and millions are of small avail to alleviate the protracted tortures of the gout. — Samuel Johnson, 1750, “The Rambler,” Vol. XII-XIII
Any type of contact is agony, even a light cotton sheet touching the affected area is pure pain. Accidentally kicking a dumbbell on my floor shocked my system so much I nearly vomited! Really, where is morphine when you need it? This isn't a life threatening illness and I know I am moaning a lot, but still if someone reads this and doesn't have to experience the pain, then it's all good.
People wish their enemies dead—but I do not; I say give them the gout, give them the stone! — Lady Mary Wortley Montagu (1689–1762)
So, what is gout?
Gout is a type of arthritis. It causes painful attacks when uric acid builds up and forms sharp crystals in your joints. These crystals cause swelling and intense pain, often coming on very suddenly. It's triggered by foods like red meat, alcohol, and organ meat (no more lung and stomach sandwiches for me). So basically all the good stuff. I used to laugh at my mate when he got it, calling him a 19th-century lord, ha ha stop drinking port! But when you get it, it’s brutal. Maybe I should stop eating steaks, beer and oysters. It really does feel like essentially the British diet guarantees gout.
Women rival men in every kind of lasciviousness . . . why need we then be surprised at seeing so many of the female sex afflicted with the gout? — Seneca, 1st century AD
If you think you might have gout, see a doctor. It's preventable, and catching it early can stop it getting worse, so you don’t end up stuck in bed writing blog articles about gout like me. You’ll probably need to change your diet too. Swap oysters for rice cakes, beer for cabbage juice, and pleasure for mundanity. Apparently cherries are also good at preventing gout. But, are they when dipped in chocolate? Here are some links that might help.
Here is the wikipedia link for more info - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gout
National Health Service info about gout - https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gout/
Gout quotes - https://hekint.org/2021/03/05/gouty-quotes/
I want to do a comedy routine about gout, but it’s hard to talk about myself on stage. I’m working on it. The challenge is finding the funny in the pain and turning it into something people find funny. Nobody wants to listen to some monologue about my aching foot and seafood addiction, that’s what my mirror is for. I’ll give it a go and we’ll see what happens.
FALSTAFF: A Pox of this Gout, or a Gout of this Pox; for the one or th’other plays the Rogue with my great Toe . . . A good Wit will make use of any thing; I will turn Diseases to commodity.
— William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part II. I, ii.
Take it easy,
Daniel
